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I’ve never considered myself a particularly competitive person. I guess when I think of someone who is competitive, I get a little scared of that person. 
But the truth is, now I realize I CAN be competitive when someone gets competitive with me. For example, I am never – EVER – competitive with my sisters, because they aren’t competitive people by nature.
I think competition can DEFinitely be a good thing. Just look at the "Biggest Loser" – not only are the contestants competing against each other, but the trainers (um….Jillian) make them compete against THEMSELVES. This creates positive change, and encourages them to go beyond what they think their limits are.
That said, I also know from experience that competition can turn bad. Particularly with those who are struggling or recovering from an ED. I HATE to admit it, but I am very sensitive to comments about weight and fitness because I ALWAYS ask myself, "Am I doing enough? They are doing more than me – should I be doing more?" (*This is amplified when I’m not able to run because of an injury, which is the case currently).
Thankfully most of my friends are aware of my sensitivity (and many don’t workout or eat healthy, actually), so recently I haven’t had any issues. However, one of my best friends started working out vigorously about a month ago. She has 50-60 pounds to lose, and I am SO proud of her for creating this change. She is a stay at home mom, and has absolutely fallen in love with eating healthy and working out -for the first time in her life!
I feel like an absolutely HORRIBLE friend for even admitting this, but sometimes when she "reports" things to me, it’s too much. For example, I was telling her how much I loved spinning and suggested she give it a whirl. She did and absolutely fell in love with it, too. I know she feels a "connection" with me because she knows my passion for fitness, but now she reports to me frequently and tells me of her workouts almost daily.
One day last week, she called me in the morning to tell me she was going to spin class. I congratulated her and told her how awesome it was that she was doing it again! But then she texted me that night and said, "Hey, guess what I’m doing now? I’m going to spin – again!" I wrote her back with, "Wow, girl – you are crazy! That is awesome, though!" But deep down inside, I felt immediately disgusted with myself. It was my "rest" day, and hearing from her lit off that spark inside me. Right away I told myself I should do 2 classes the next day, to make up for my rest day. (*Don’t worry, I didn’t!)
How crazy is that? I mean – I am TRULY happy for my friend. She has eaten unhealthy foods and never worked out her whole life, and after having 3 kids she is finally turning over a new leaf. But having her call/text/post on FB all of her intense workouts, well…it just makes me feel SO bad about myself. And it makes me want to do as much – maybe more – than she is doing.
In my head I know that I’m not trying to lose weight so I don’t NEED to do frequent and intense cardio, but we all know how the brains of people with EDs work. They are NOT rational. It just makes me so sad in this case because, while I WANT to ask her to not constantly tell me of her workouts – wouldn’t that make me a selfish, horrible friend?
Are you a competitive person by nature? Have you ever been in a situation when competition has turned bad?
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I am an extremely competitive person by nature – and yeah, it can be good, but I am competitive with everything, which is bad. I have a hard time playing ping pong without getting frustrated if I lose (pathetic, I know)!
I think if you tell your friend that you struggle with comparing, and tell her you would love to hear about new workouts she’s trying and how she’s feeling but maybe not every workout she does, she would understand. She’s probably just so excited and doesn’t know any better – and I know if it were me I would feel terrible if I knew what the oversharing was doing.
I can completely relate to this. Every word. It’s not easy, that’s for sure to find that balance between being supportive and looking after yourself. In my opinion though, if it’s bothering you or making you have irrational thoughts, it’s harming you. Do you feel close enough with her to mention that it is difficult for you? Even if you just say you have an injury and that you find it hard not to push yourself but you know you have to so if she could report less it would help you. Honestly, look after yourself. If that doesn’t work I might stop responding to everythign> she is looking for reinforcement, if she doesn’t get it from you every time she’ll find it somewhere else. It’s not your job to be her cheerleader if it’s hurting you. Of course you want to support your friend and you do, but you don’t have to hear about it all the time if it makes your life harder. I don’t think there is anything to be ashamed of. You are noticing how you feel and you are uncomfortable iwth this. Perhaps there was a time when you didn’t reflect on these feelings at all (as is the case with me), therefore you have a lot to be proud of in terms of paying attentino and caring for yourself. By being concious of your injury you are doing just that.
I am definitely of the opinion that you have to look after yourself fist. There is likely someone else in her life that could do this job without getting hurt. Or she could learn to do it for herself and be proud of herself without having to have outside encouragement.
Take care of yourself.
I am not competitive against others, only myself. I am however competitive and WANTING the Greek yogurt giveaway.
Holly, I can relate with every single word you wrote!!!!! I’m not really a competitive person either, but there’s something odd that happens to me when I hear about a friend who’s working out or dieting that makes me reevaluate what I’m doing and want to do it even better than her!! BUT, since having my recent revelation, I have started talking to myself in a much kinder way and I say things like, “you already do so much for yourself to be happy + you have much more moderation in your life than “Suzie Q.” If I were you, I wouldn’t say anything to her. Even though hearing about her workouts can be annoying, just know that they only reason she’s telling you is so that you’ll be proud of her. She’s always seen you working out and you are her fit friend and she wants so badly to be just like you and your approval is priceless to her. Just keep that in mind and remember that rest days are GOOD for you!!!!!! You are doing what is right for YOU by taking a day off and she is doing what is right for her by working out more (though I don’t think anyone needs to be going to spin class twice a day, except someone training for some kind of athletic event!!). I know it’s not easy, but just know that you are doing what is right for you and don’t let her comments trigger you into thinking otherwise. Never hesitate to email me if you need me to remind you about this next time she says something to you!!!!!!
I’m always hear for you, Holly!! 
uhh, I mean here for you!
Yep, I teach first grade, haha! 
I’m very competitive with myself. I always need to be faster, stronger etc than I was before.
I think that your friend probably just sees her workouts as something the two of you have in common. I bet that she’ll chill out on the updates over time as her healthy lifestyle becomes more natural.
Like everyone else said, you have to look out for you! How close of a friend is she? Can you talk to her about it?
It sounds like you just described me! Stay at home mom, lost 30lbs, recently fell in love with healthy foods and exercise… Are you one of my close friends and I just don’t know it
Gosh I think everyone can relate to how you feel. Even if I’m on a rest day I feel like a bum if someone is more motivated than me. You do need to worry about you though and not what everyone else is doing. I know that’s hard though. You’ve got to push past that and let your friend lean on you. Obviously YOU are her motivation or she wouldn’t be telling you all those things. It’s almost like she needs you to be proud of her…
I like to win, but I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m super competitive. Maybe because the only thing I ever “win” at is Trivial Pursuit
Sometimes when I read too many healthy living/eating blogs or read people’s race reports I start to feel like I’m not doing enough or not living up to my full potential. If so and so can run a half marathon in under 2 hours why can’t I????
Does your friend know about your history of ED and working out? Are you close enough to tell her? I think you can definitely tell her that you want to support her and are always there to answer questions or give advice but that hearing about every single workout triggers bad feelings for you. She’s probably chosen you as her motivation and doesn’t know what she’s doing to you.
i am so competitive. when i was little we used to have a mini track and field day and i would love to race everyone.
haha…. to this day i still love to beat people!
i’m definitely competitive, but not as much as i used to be. i think most women compare themselves to other women in some form or another. i think it’s natural, though not always healthy when people take it to extremes.
i can see how hearing your friend’s extra workouts while you are unable to work out, might have you feeling a bit envious, but i’m sure it passed. soon enough, you will be back to working out and this moment in time will be ancient history.
I don’t think you’re crazy, I would feel the same way! So either we’re only human, or we’re both crazy
Weight and health and fitness is all about drive and I think that life gets in the way of this drive and at some point we have to accept the best for what we’re working with. She stays at home, she’s going to have more time and flexibility. When I stayed home, I worked out 2 hours a day just because I had oodles of time and the desire to do so. When I started working (sitting all day), I immediately gained 15lbs without changing my intake at all and still exercising 30-60 minutes 5 days a week. And as a dietitian, that’s not only hard to admit, but hard to cope with! I’m still working on getting that weight off and it’s really hard! I have a family and priorities, though…I’m not going to ditch them just because I feel a bit inadequate with the exercise I CAN put in. I didn’t mean to turn this into a Nicole Fest, sorry! I think what you’re feeling is completely natural and I think it makes sense as to why you feel the way you do. And your friend, honestly, seems to be fueling the fire. If anyone (even my MOM) called to tell me her every play-by-play I would get completely annoyed!!
Hey girly- Happy Valentine’s Day!! Before I comment, I just want to state that I am clearly not a professional and this is just my opinion…I think you need to do what you feel is right for you. Ok, now that I’ve noted that haha-As much as I think it’d be helpful for you to talk to your friend about this, I think it may be something you just need to work through. Avoiding things that set you off is a good way to start to work around things, but this doesn’t solve the actual problem. I think you need to know that you’re doing whats right for you in terms of working out and eating healthy. Does that make sense?
I am competitive when playing games but not so much with sports. From time to time, I do ask “am I doing enough?” It seems like there is ALWAYS someone doing more! I just try to look back at my own accomplishments when I feel like that, and try to feel happy for those around me. It is hard though.
hey sweetie, I can definitely relate to you about this. I am a very competitive person and have a lot of exercise envy! Its so hard to read a lot of the blogs that just go on and on about their great intense workouts – it kills me that I can’t do the same and sometimes even makes me feel like I should be doing more. I think its great that your friend is adopting a healthier lifestyle, but too much is too much – and its almost like she is bragging about it to you?? I almost feel like you should tell her to take it easy because too much exercise can lead to injury. I’m really happy that you didn’t do those two classes in one day, and that you can recognize whats right for you. I’m here to talk if you ever need someone!!! **hugs**
It’s so hard when we’re genuinely happy for others but also feel competitive, knowing at one point we were the obsessive gym people.
I can soooooooooooooooo relate to this experience, Holly … moreso at the worst of my DE behaviors. Now, it’s less so. But after a weekend where I didn’t move anything except my mouth (all we did was eat all weekend long!!) I felt a little envious seeing people’s FB statuses etc about their workouts. I know today I’ll be back at it, and taking three days off is NOT a crime, but eating the way I did it certainly didn’t feel justified and my competitive edge showed a little, at least in my head.
Sometimes I feel that way too- if I hear that someone else is doing “more” than I am to be healthy, I see it as a bit of a challenge to step up my own effort. Sometimes that’s good, sometimes that’s bad. It depends on our reasoning for it and what our real mental attitudes are!
Wow. I can totally relate to this. I actually have a friend/co-worker who gets me riled up in quite the same way that you do with your friend. The problem in my case is that this friend is actually really unhealthy about her eating and workout habits. She restricts herself too much, does not understand the meaning of the word balance and I’ve actually been trying to get it into her head that what she is doing isn’t exactly healthy because I honestly do worry about her. BUT I also get so mad at myself when I play into the “omg I need to work out MORE or eat LESS because she just told me how little she ate and how much she worked out, how on earth did she do that? I would die…” How unhealthy of a mentality though, you know? And I KNOW better too which is even worse. I guess it’s just human nature that that competitive streak comes out sometimes? Hang in there, clearly based on all of the awesome blog comments you’ve gotten on this post alone, you are definitely not alone in your battle!
[...] Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses on my post last week regarding good and bad competition. I’ve thought a lot about it the past week, and I’ve pretty much decided that this is [...]